Here are some songs, in no particular order, but still numbered for your convenience. We all seem to appreciate lists nowadays. So many lists. All of them with stupid themes. Okay, I’m going to get in on this nonsense. I hope to make a habit of it. Once a month, perhaps, or—if people are really enjoying themselves—I may just bring it. And with that in mind, let’s get right to business. Today’s offering is simple, yet one of regrettable pain. Top 5 Awful Records by Famous and Semi-Famous People Who Should’ve Known Better, Part 1.

1. Jack Webb - “Try a Little Tenderness”

  As lovable Sgt. Joe Friday, Jack Webb warmed the hearts of countless Americans with his puritanical banter and snappy anti-hippie comebacks. I like to imagine that he spent much of his alone-time eating children. This weepy attempt at high-brow camp (or is it?) can attest that all was not peachy in Webb’s personal life. Drink and women and some general despair, I would imagine, were what ultimately drove the Dragnet star to record this God-awful rendition of one of the best numbers of Otis Redding’s career; not to mention Sam Cooke, Flip Phillips with Dick Hyman, or Bing Effing Crosby. I wonder if when Woods, Campbell, and Connelly wrote this, they could see ahead to a near-future marred by the hideous beast that was producer, actor, and heap of rigid talentlessness Webb. Too bad Harry Morgan never had a record this bad. Or maybe he did. Apparently there were some LPs of rugby songs released by Sportsdisc Records in the 1960s featuring Harry Morgan and something calling itself “The Jock Strapp Ensemble.” I’m getting sick just thinking about it. All part of the plan.

2. Frank Sinatra - “Mrs. Robinson”

  It doesn’t get much worse than this. Legend has it that when Frankie strolled into the studio to record the Simon & Garfunkel classic, he refused to take a look at the lyrics. “I saw the Goddamned movie,” bellowed he. Or else I might’ve just made that up. Research it and get back to me. With such punchy ad-libbing as “so, how’s your bird, Mrs. Robinson?” it’s hard not to give Ol’ Blue Eyes some credit for being able to think on his feet. Unfortunately, he’d acquired those feet from a poor, crippled boy in India. “You’ll get yours,” Frank taunts the dissatisfied housewife, “fooling with that young stuff like you do.” Not that he would know anything about that. Whadda maroon! And by “maroon,” I mean: “irredeemable bastard.” Still, he’s so tight with Jesus that he calls him “Jilly.” That’s amazing.

3. Peter Sellers - “A Hard Day’s Night”

  Years before he worked with the Beatles, George Martin produced the early records of Peter Sellers. It has been said that the Fab Four were so taken with Sellers’ Goon Show that they jumped at the chance to work with Sir George because of his estimable history with the celebrated funnyman. But even Sellers, undisputed comic genius that he was, hit some frightfully low points. Take this recording, for instance, produced by Martin at the height of Beatlemania; an obviously tongue-in-cheek, albeit clearly misguided reworking of one of the Beatles’ best-known songs. It should be noted that this track landed a spot on the UK Top 20, which only goes to show how shortsighted the English can be when it comes to comedy. I mean: Mind Your Language, anyone? Fortunately, this blunder didn’t stop Ringo Starr from appearing with Sellers in The Magic Christian. Thank heavens.

4. Ed McMahon - “One Solitary Life”

  Ah, Ed McMahon. Fans of The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson  will tell you that Ed is a shameless dipsomaniac, but in truth he is so much more. Boisterous oaf, loyal sidekick, and royal pain in the ass, just to get the ball rolling. What we never suspected of Ed was that he once had a Christian Doppelganger by the very same name. Yes, the same Ed McMahon who starred as a hairy-chested mobster in Slaughter’s Big Rip-Off. The same Ed McMahon who succeeded Telly Savalas as official Players Club spokesman. And yes, the same Ed McMahon whose name became synonymous with “gargantuan novelty check bearer” in the 1980s. This none-too-subtle advertisement for Jesus is just what the doctor ordered: a gazillion heart-stopping milligrams of hurt. Let’s be honest… who better to shill for our Lord and Savior than a maniacally cackling, obstreperous drunk who offers overpriced insurance to the elderly and shitty travel discounts to wannabe high-rollers? Sheesh.

5. Telly Savalas - “Rubber Bands and Bits of String”

  Aristotle “Telly” Savalas was never cool. Let’s stop kidding ourselves. It stands to reason that his first record—1974’s Telly—was the closest he would ever get. This song is best described in three words: a Kojak moment. Sorry. I just couldn’t help myself. Seriously, though, we’ve gotta go easy on Telly. He’s like the creepy uncle you don’t want to be alone with, but the poor bastard died of bladder cancer on his birthday. And besides, this ditty may be one of the most quotable songs in history: “Pickle bottles filled with plants / the cuckoo clock we bought in France.” Just what in the Hell was going through Savalas’ mind? Well, for starters, I’m sure he knew how ridiculous a venture this was. In the liner notes, he states plainly, “I was asked to make a record.” Even with classics such as Jobim’s “How Insensitive,” Savalas couldn’t have sucked any harder with all the lollipops in the world. To be fair, this is probably the best song on the LP, although his remake of Bread’s “If” actually flew to #1 in the UK in 1975. Amazingly, it graced the top for two weeks, knocked out by the Bay City Rollers. “People know that singing is not my bag,” Savalas riffed, “I can only make mistakes by pretending to be a great singer.”  I couldn’t have said it better myself.