Hey, it’s been a great couple of weeks over there in Iraq. Recently, I downloaded a somewhat lengthy video clip that shows the rest of the world just how much America really cares. Contractors in Iraq are more or less free to do whatever they want, including murder whoever they like. Or dislike. I won’t post the video or link to it here, but I encourage anyone who hasn’t yet caught a glimpse of nausea-inducing redneckery at its finest to seek it out. The video is a static shot, lovingly captured through the rear window of a moving vehicle. By the time the video ends, you will have witnessed quite a few civilian motorists as their brains are mercilessly sniped through their windshields. Hey, who knows? Maybe the victims can take a joke and this will all wash over. Naturally, the good ol’ boys filming the chaos were listening to Elvis’ “Mystery Train” at top volume, just having a hoot and painting the town red. With the blood of innocent Iraqis, natch. So, in their honor, these brave and self-sacrificing, imbecilic and murderous jagoffs—who each fantasize on a daily basis about being gang-raped by their closest male family members—I present: 5 Much Better Songs to Listen to While Murdering Innocent Civilians Only a Short Time Before Celebrating the Birth of Your Precious Savior, Who Incidentally Hates Your Anti-American and Worthless Hillbilly Guts When You Run Around Mindlessly Killing People—or Even When You Don’t—You Stupid, Filthy, Drooling, Useless Bastards, Part 1.

1. Ed Sanders - “The Illiad”

  Ed Sanders is a noted poet, author, songwriter, and humorist. He started a periodical called Fuck You: A Magazine of the Arts, which tells us a little about how he thinks. His 1969 debut record, Sanders’ Truckstop, was a nice departure from all the pseudopsychedelia and hirsute hijinks the decade had to offer. Come to think of it, I’d rather listen to this record than almost any other. With song titles like “Pindar’s Revenge” and “Jimmy Joe, the Hippybilly Boy,” it’s hard to understand why Sanders isn’t well-known by the countless blunderbusses passing themselves off as wannabe hipsters nowadays. Brazen, unflinching, powerful, literate, wordy, and honest-to-God funny… that’s what this guy is, and this is one song that every smalltown psychopath should enjoy, for one reason or another.

2. Mr. T - “Mr. T’s Commandment”

  Hey, murderous assholes: if you’re not going to listen to your conscience, at least take some advice from Mr. Fucking T. No… I’m not talking about fashion advice, though sporting a mohawk and pulling your tube socks over your genie pants might not be such a bad idea. A lot of people might prefer to hear T’s stirring tribute “Treat Your Mother Right” for the zillionth time, but this song is so much cooler. It might be that tacky synthpop vibe, or else that T is at the top of his game with some solid rhymes. Um, sure. But make no mistake: this guy can pity some fools, and that apparently includes anyone who doesn’t heed his “commandment,” which I guess is to just be cool to your parents. Here we have a priceless example of how one man can utterly humiliate the rest of the world just by doing his job. I guess there’s really not much of a lesson to be learned here, after all.

3. Pimp Daddy Welfare - “Mr. T is a Bitch”

  Pimp Daddy Welfare makes “poor core,” whatever that is. Not that anyone cares. This nancyboy is really fucked up if he thinks he can take Mr. T, though. I mean: take a look at this idiot, for God’s sake. What in the Hell is he thinking? I’ve seen Mr. T knock out innumerable bad guys as they pointed guns at him, not to mention what he did to Rocky Goddamned Balboa. Mr. T has busted heads over much less, and I have every reason to believe that he will one day whip the living shit out of this little whiteboy hype. Not only that, but this guy is a worse rapper than Mr. T. I never thought I’d be saying that about anyone, but there you have it. Still, I imagine this song would be pretty funny to listen to if I was a simian jerkoff with a machine gun.

4. Chechenz With Attitudes - “Straight Outta Grozny”

  Fans of Rolling Stone’s Matt Taibbi will already know of his exploits with this countercultural institution. Founded by American journalist Mark Ames, The Exile  is an endless source of humor. It’s an English language newspaper based in Moscow, and their wit is only barely outdone by their outlandishness. For instance, Michael Wines of The New York Times was awarded the title of 2001’s “Worst Journalist of the Year.” He was then hit in the face with a pie made of horse sperm. The sperm came from Pobornik, a horse with “totally mediocre” genes. The rest is history. According to their website—which is most assuredly somewhat mistaken—this remake of NWA’s “Straight Outta Compton” features Aslan Maskhadov, Shamil Basayev, and the infamous Chechen warlord Khattab, along with DJ Dr. Dzhokar. The result is just about the best rewording of a rap song I’ve ever heard. Or the most violent.

5. Sarah Vaughn - “Bye Bye”

  Enrico Nicola Mancini, better known as Henry, is one of the most beloved American composers of the 20th century. He scored hits for TV and film, including “Moon River,” “Baby Elephant Walk,” and the music from the Pink Panther movies. He won many Grammy awards, including two for his Peter Gunn theme, which went to #1 in the U.S. and much later had a resurgence in popularity as the adopted theme of the classic video game Spy Hunter. Like “Caravan,” this is one of those songs that most people only know as an instrumental, but Ray Evans and Jay Livingston wrote the lyrics for Mancini’s soundtrack to the 1967 film version of Gunn. Here is Sarah Vaughn’s excellent rendition, which many slobbering infidels should find exciting, if for nothing more than the fleeting sensation that their unarmored vehicles are fitted with cool spy gadgets. And one last word of advice to those overpaid yokels: next time you want to kill something, do us all a favor and shoot the guy next to you, then yourself. And then go to Hell.