Okay, kiddies. It has come to my attention that Sean Hannity, Bill O’Reilly, and the rest of the talking human waste over at Fox have taken to undermining this great holiday of ours known as Christmas. How, you may ask, were they able to do such a deplorable thing, and all the stupid while directly beneath our extrasensitive liberal noses? I’ll tell you. Starting just after Thanksgiving (or possibly even before it) O’Reilly began shrieking at the top of his girlish little lungs about how the “secularists,” whoever they are, had declared a fiendish war on Christmas. It even became known as the (capital ‘W’) “War on Christmas,” and the insignificant motto decorated several inelegant cut-aways. This is something that no God-fearing secularist I know of has had anything to do with, believe you me. Still, the little pack of pansies were delighted to ruin everybody’s holiday cheer, screaming impotently about how everyone—ANYONE AT ALL—is trying to take the Christ out of just about everything that means anything to Christians, including the holidays. How’s that for a twist? For a time many on the left were resisting the urge to explode, appearing on various “news” broadcasts and talk shows to discuss how they know of no one who objects to being told “merry Christmas.” Oh, I’m sorry. Was I supposed to capitalize “merry,” as well? I might’ve known. But then, unthinkably, the unexpected happened. Santa Claus, the jolly old philanthropist born to a virgin and the unmistakable symbol and soul of Christmas, was kidnapped and tortured to death by Islamic extremists just after midnight. Call them “militant Jihadists” if you like. Our president says it’s okay. So, they want a War on Christmas? I say we give ‘em one! C’mon, you leftist bastards. Give those Fox douchebags the best damned War you’ve got. Tell them where to stick their dogmatic pseudo-antisecularism, and what not  to let the door do to their asses when they leave. Bring it on. Anyway, here are a few songs that have absolutely nothing at all to do with Christmas, some of which may be considered offensive by many people, but that a few of you may nonetheless enjoy. 5 Songs Not to Play at Christmastime Unless You Decide to Kill Yourself and Everyone You Love, Part 1.

1. Kinky Friedman - “They Ain’t Makin’ Jews Like Jesus Anymore”

  Here we have the next and greatest governor of Texas. As many of you know, I’m a proud native of the Lone Star State, and I can eat a giant steak in under twenty seven minutes to prove it. But Kinky Friedman is a special kind of Texan. One born in Chicago. Also, one who likes to piss people off, but who is a seemingly good-natured weirdo. Yes, the Kinkster is running for governor, and I can’t think of another person I’d rather see talking to congressmen about education reform. As the leader of the Texas Jewboys, Kinky found an audience who could appreciate his sarcasm. He then exploited that audience with a string of detective novels. Kinky is committed to ending what he refers to as the “dewussification” of Texas, and I’ll re-assassinate Treaty Oak if he succeeds. Anyway, I know this song has something to do with Jesus, but Jesus has nothing to do with the holidays.

2. Esrevnoc - “Bee Charmer”

  Ah, Esrevnoc. Only the greatest pop group in history. Yes, of course I’m being serious. I’m the only person I know with an Esrevnoc shirt, and I even donated a framed picture of the band to my neighborhood coffeeshop. Somewhere between the Jackson 5 and the Japanese Chipmunks, Esrevnoc combined silliness with sadness, happiness and sappiness, corniness and horniness. These girls knocked me out with their first full-length, Better, although their followup was dreadful. But with this first record and a string of great singles, their hit-to-miss is just over 50%. Lead singer and guitarist Mittco Sky is divine, and I will most likely marry her one day. To a polyamorous sandwich with dayglo unicorns shooting out of its face. She’s charmed the pants off of some bees, and was alarmed to find that she’s the bee’s knees. Incidentally, their name is the word “converse” spelled conversely. How very Japanese. I need a better rhyming dictionary.

3. Scatman Crothers - “Walk On”

  This is the greatest man who ever lived, and yes, I mean that. Aside from appearing in The Shining and countless other films (including one of the Tarzan franchise), Benjamin Sherman “Scatman” Crothers is the one guy who kids of the 1980s would’ve most loved to have as a grandfather. This song, performed by Crothers at the beginning of Ralph Bakshi’s unbeatable animated blaxploitation feature Street Fight, is a tune you’re not likely to hear on the radio nowadays. Its gratuitous use of the N-Bomb is, well… most gratuitous—some might even say unrelenting—and none of the kids of today deserve to be spoken to in the stark language of awareness that so permeates the hyperactive minds of the kids of today. But here it is, kids. Come and get your supper. It’s warm and delicious, but also incredibly nutritive. Whitey’s never written a number this amazing, and he never effing will. Even if you freedom-hating leftists somehow manage to ruin Christmas, you’ll have a hard time denying that this is one song that, if employed propitiously, could secure a victory for Obama in the coming presidential race war.

4. Walter Brennan - “Ole Rivers”

  Oh, how I cherish Walter Brennan. This guy was in more than 220 films, was painted by Rockwell, and once had damned near every tooth in his head kicked out by a horse. He sounded like a redneck, and for that I adore him. Best known as Grandpa Amos McCoy from The Real McCoys, Brennan had some of the most hilarious character names ever. Lanky Smith, Cappy Ricks, Pa Danby, Old Atrocity, Cornelius Burden, Jeff Slocum, Cap MacKellar, Old Man Clanton, Blackie Fletcher, Tammy’s Grandpa, Swan Bostrom, D.J. Mulrooney, Knobby, Rimrock, Stumpy, Uncle Jesse Jackson, J. F. “Thunder” Bolt, Brimstone “Pop” Courteen, Sam “Gus” Barton, “Legs” Garnett, Prof. Stephen Novotny, Hector Titus, Muff Potter, Chief Yeoman Henry Johnson, and Secretary to Sylvester J. Sutton Sr. There’s more. Pop Gruber, Col. Jeb Hawkins, “Doc” Butcher, Featherhead, Gramp Flynn, and Karp. And there’re still some other funny ones, too, but that’s what the Internet is good for. I think so, at least. Oh, and this song’s about a dead animal of some kind; a horse, perhaps. Maybe a dog. Or else a farmer.

5. The Sugarcubes - “Birthday (Jim & William Reid Christmas Eve Mix)”

  This song could make anyone relax. I don’t care what your problems are… this is some golden shit. The lovely Bjork singing her ass off to the smashing guitar noise of the Jesus and Mary Chain. Personally, I think the Reids should’ve mixed the entire Sugarcubes catalog, but who am I to complain? (They should’ve produced the KUKL records, as well.) Hey, I know I said that none of these songs have anything to do with Christmas, and this one only relates in name alone, though the original title of the song is a bittersweet reminder of the birth of our Lord and Savior, old St. Nick, who was mercilessly slaughtered by wild-eyed Islamofascists. Peace on Earth and enjoy, strangers. I may still have a few holiday surprises for you yet. They’re not over until St. Patrick’s Day, anyway. Get your War on Christmas on.