You’d have to be a complete moron to think that the Beachles were intended for mass consumption. I’ve mentioned this a few times on the radio in the past month, but I feel that it can never be said too often. This week, kind and gentle reader, I present the second of three posts dealing with Beachlephobia. Stephen Cole of the CBC opined that the record was a “punishing failure,” in spite of the fact that he only listened to the first track. As reviews go, I’d say his was the most punishing failure I’ve ever witnessed. This is the noisiest record to get this much attention in a very long time, and that makes it a remarkable success. But there seems to be a pattern among mainstream news reporters, as the wretchedly named Lauren Gitlin of Rolling Stone  also slammed the piece, though she admitted to hearing only “a few” of the record’s fourteen tracks. Needless to say, I was writing better copy than theirs in the bathroom stalls of my elementary school. I’ll bet the two of you think that Merzbow is some kind of exercise machine. So, here’s a free bit of advice. Unless you want to suck my cock like everybody else, Lauren, I suggest that you service Stephen’s withered pudenda while he orally evacuates your gargantuan, schnitzel-famished rectum. You’ve just made the greatest hall of shame that this nutty series of tubes has to offer. Get some fucking lessons in arts reporting, and stop pretending to know what you’re talking about. Top 5 Reasons Why Being in Tune is Wildly Overrated, Particularly by Those Who Don’t Know a Hairpin from a Hemidemisemiquaver, Part 1.

1. Mrs. Miller - “A Hard Day’s Night”

  Elva Miller was a middle-aged grandmother when she recorded her first album, which sold a quarter of a million units in just three weeks. But that’s not the strangest part. Miller was an exceptional vocalist, and she could hit astounding operatic highs. Capitol Records listened to her demo, and thought it would be funny to use bits of her worst takes and early rehearsals, edited together as an “experiment” in novelty. She would later admit that she’d been unaware of Capitol’s sadistic intentions, and politely confessed that she had “resented it.” Of course, the plan worked, and Miller soon gained reputation as “the worst singer in the world,” yet she’s attracted an impressive fan base over the years. She appeared on countless talk shows, as well as a film with Roddy MacDowell. Her cover of Petula Clark’s “Downtown” even graced the Billboard charts for a time, but her success was short-lived. After being dropped by Capitol, she recorded Mrs. Miller Does Her Thing for Amaret, who attempted to transform Elva into a kind of desperate psychedelic in-joke. As with her Capitol stint, Miller was kept in the dark until after the record hit the shelves, but Amaret’s strategy was considerably less effective. She died in 1996, and is fondly remembered by all who knew her as a lover of music and a generous contributor to many charities.

2. Buckner & Garcia - “Do the Donkey Kong”

  More than twenty years after its release, Pac-Man Fever remains one of the most ill-conceived records in music history. Jerry Buckner and Gary Garcia were childhood friends growing up in Akron, Ohio. Garcia played with the late ’60s band the Collection and Buckner was a member of the rock band Wild Butter, who were signed to United Artists but never managed to break nationally. The two moved to Atlanta, where they began writing jingles for radio and television, but it wasn’t until 1980 that they scored a minor place in the Billboard charts with their holiday single “Merry Christmas in the NFL.” In December of 1982, CBS expressed interest in one of their songs about a certain video game icon, and they asked the duo to record a full-length. The resulting album carried the same name as the single, Pac-Man Fever, and it was recorded in just two weeks. Thanks to their hit theme from WKRP in Cincinatti, the boys had two singles on the Billboard Top 100 at the same time. Gerald Mann even recorded a German language version of Fever, and the two seemed destined for greatness until CBS pulled the plug on their stirring tribute, “E.T. I Love You,” in favor of Neil Diamond’s own shameless Spielberg suck-up, “Heartlight.” Undeterred, Buckner & Garcia re-recorded Fever in 1992. Not sure how it sounds, and I sure as Hell don’t want to find out. This song, the second single from the album, is an awe-inspiring ditty; arguably in tune, but God knows why.

3. The Dead Milkmen - “Instant Club Hit”

  The Dead Milkmen are one of the greatest bands of the 1980s. More than a comedic punk band, the Philidelphia group attained pop fame in 1988 with their single “Punk Rock Girl,” but many of their songs are more infectious and mean-spirited, notably “Life is Shit,” “Watching Scotty Die,” “Takin’ Retards to the Zoo,” and “Ringo Buys a Rifle.” Like Culturcide, the Milkmen had some timely responses to the decade of utter horseshit, and this song is one of the finest examples of how diverse and whimsical they were, musically speaking. While most of their songs were elaborately conceived and executed, this became a DIY anthem for every kid who hated Bronski Beat. With its use of a simple drum pattern and disaffected backup singers, it is painfully appropriate. Not necessarily one of the better songs of their career, but indisputably one of the more direct and meaningful. God bless these guys.

4. The Shaggs - “Philosophy of the World”

  Like Mrs. Miller, the Shaggs have an unfair reputation for being one of the worst musical acts in history. Still, that didn’t stop Frank Zappa from saying that they were “better than the Beatles.” Or did it? Either way, I strongly disagree, but they certainly aren’t as bad as most people think. Not even close. For starters, their songs are indefatigably unique, which is and has always been an uncommon attribute, and the unmistakable purity of their lyrics and music is a strangely compelling force. The story goes that Austin Wiggin, Jr., got the bright idea to force three of his daughters to quit school and become rock legends. The girls took music lessons and began performing live, and they recorded only one album, Philosophy of the World.  Wikipedia  refers to them as “amateurish,” yet, at odds with this presumptive description, explains that there is a resounding consistency to their music, a mark of maturity in songwriting. And whether you like them or not, the Shaggs will be remembered for generations to come, having been the subject of scholarly articles, a popular musical, and even a forthcoming feature film. Here is the title track of their debut, and it’s as positively wonderful to behold as it is debatably unlistenable.

5. Paul Anka - “Smells Like Teen Spirit”

  Paul Anka may be able to sing in key, but he definitely shouldn’t be allowed to do ironic big band covers of contemporary pop songs. There should be a law against this sort of thing, just as pep rally punk bands should be prevented from doing covers of TV themes and breakfast cereal jingles. It’s not as if Anka needs any more recognition. He wrote the English lyrics to “My Way,” had several hit records such as “Puppy Love” and “Diana,” and is quite possibly the only famous Lebanese-Canadian entertainer in history. Anyway, this song is taken from his ghastly collection of (you guessed it) ironic pop-rock covers, Rock Swings,  which reached the #9 spot in Great Britain. I swear, this Britain place is seeming less and less great every motherfucking day. For this album, Anka chose songs by Soundgarden, Billy Idol, Michael Jackson, Van Halen, Lionel Richie, Spandau Ballet, Bon Jovi, and the Cure. He even covered “Eye of the Tiger” by Survivor. I mean: did Pat Boone tell him to make this? If this song doesn’t do your head in, nothing else can. And believe me, I don’t recommend playing this for anyone, including yourself.