Halloween was pretty special this year. Lots of whiskey. I had planned on bringing you a handsome smattering of oddball monster tunes, but my guest blogger flaked on me at the last minute. Ten bucks says he doesn’t even read this post until next September, and who can blame him? I update this site maybe once every couple hundred millennia. Anyway, I promise to have a nice Halloween roundup for you one of these days, probably sometime around Easter. Which brings us to today’s post: VD. You know—Valentine’s Day. Of course, I realize that it’s still a few months away, but I’m feeling a little frisky. I doubt that you’ll get many Christmas songs out of me this year, so I thought I’d throw you a bone. I should avoid being too secretive here, and just lay it on you. For the most part, this is a collection of songs about love and sex.  Many of these are NSFW, which is to say: not safe for women. Or work, for that matter. Unless you happen to work in the adult film industry.  Or for Bill O’Reilly.  Some of you may think (or instead declare with neither admirable intellection nor conscience) that by posting these I am somehow in favor of rampant misogyny. The truth is: 98.6% of all songs written about the tender act of lovemaking involve someone being called “bitch.” It really has nothing to do with me, and I’ve done what I could to balance things out here.  179 Songs About Schlongs and Other Assorted Pudenda, Part 1.

Rose Murphy - “Is I in Love I Is” / The Pastels - “So Far Away” / Teddy Pendergrass - “Turn Off the Lights” / Fats Waller - “Hold Tight (I Want Some Seafood Mama)” / Syd Barrett - “Love You” / Antonio Carlos Jobim, Luiz Bonfa & Marpessa Dawn - “Manha de Carnaval” / Louis Armstrong - “I’m in the Mood for Love” / Robyn Hitchcock - “Beautiful Girl” / Talulah Gosh - “Don’t Go Away” / Claudine Longet - “A Man and a Woman” / Marilyn Monroe - Let’s Make Love  OST - “My Heart Belongs to Daddy” / Half Japanese - “1,000,000 Kisses” / Kuni Kawachi & the Flower Travelling Band - “Graveyard of Love” / MC Luscious - “Boom! I Fucked Your Boyfriend” / Steeler - “Hot on Your Heels” / Leonard Nimoy - “Where is Love?” / Ernesto Cortazar - “In the Mood for Love” / The Hotshots - “I’m in Love” / Kirk, Mark & Lopez - “If I Had a Penis” / Glenn Miller Orchestra - “Moonlight Cocktail” / Blowfly - “Porno Freak” / Lindy Lane - “Low Grades & High Fever” / Elvis Presley - “I Don’t Care if the Sun Don’t Shine” / The Jesus & Mary Chain - “Taste of Cindy” / Tom T. Hall - “I Love” / Judy Garland - “You Made Me Love You” / Rocketship - “I Love You Like the Way I Used to Do” / Oscar Peterson - “I’m in the Mood for Love” / The Flirts - “Passion” / Magnetic Fields - “Take Ecstasy With Me” / Amy Borkowsky - “Lambskin Condoms” / Kid Creole & the Coconuts - “Annie I’m Not Your Daddy” / B-Rock & the Bizz - “That’s Just My Baby Daddy” / Coleman Hawkins - “I’m in the Mood for Love” / Nelson Riddle - “Lamento” / Kirsty MacColl - “They Don’t Know” / Acker Bilk, Kenny Ball & Chris Barber - “Temptation Rag” / Lone Ranger - “Love Bump” / Fred Astaire - “Cheek to Cheek” / Count Basie - “Doggin’ Around” / Hubble Bubble - “Born a Woman” / Minutemen - “Please Don’t Be Gentle With Me” / Johnny Paycheck - “Pardon Me, I’ve Got Someone to Kill” / Nina Simone - “I Want a Little Sugar in My Bowl” / Nat King Cole - “It’s Almost Like Being in Love” / Esrevnoc - “SugarTime” / The Chimes - “I’m in the Mood for Love” / Lightnin’ Hopkins - “Dust My Broom” / David Allen Coe - “Don’t Bite the Dick” / My Bloody Valentine - “Slow” / Crispin Glover - “Automanipulator” / Gary Coleman - “Journey Inside” / Palais Schaumburg - “The Girl Who Had Everything” / Barrington Levy - “Wedding Ring” / Fela Anikulapo Kuti & the Africa 70 - “Expensive Shit” / The Lilys - “Can’t Make Your Life Better” / Man Chau Po Orchestra - “I’m in the Mood for Love” / Containe - “Shy Song” / Howard Johnson - “Keepin’ Love New” / The Petites - “Get Your Daddy’s Car Tonight” / Sissy Penis Factory - “Everybody Fuck Now” / La Setta - “Our Little Rendezvous” / Chris Morris - “Motherbanger” / The Frogs - “Grandma in the Corner With a Penis in Her Hand” / Billy Butterfield - “I’m in the Mood for Love” / Prefuse 73 - “Perverted Undertone” / Jeff Alexander & Bonnie Beecher - “Come Wander With Me” / Richard Marino & His Orchestra - “Lover” / Tamiya Lynn - “I’m Gonna Run Away from You” / The Honeys - “Girls are Vicious” / Dismemberment Plan - “I Love a Magician” / The Kinks - “Mindless Child of Motherhood” / Dexter Gordon - “Our Love is Here to Stay” / Sakura & the Quests - “My Boy Lollipop” / MC Paul Barman - “Cock Mobster” / Klaus Nomi - “Ding Dong” / Buddy Merrill - “Moonglow & Theme from Picnic” / Ethel Merman - “I Get a Kick Out of You” / The Glands - “Pretty Merrina” / Señor Coconut - “Suavito” / 101 Strings - “A Taste of Honey” / Geto Boys - “Gangster of Love” / PornoSonic & Ron Jeremy - “Cramming for College” / Metric - “Love is a Place” / Loretta Lynn - “The Pill” / Shelly Duvall - Popeye  OST - “He Needs Me” / Berlin - “Sex” / The Techniques - “I’m in the Mood for Love” / Al Green - “Your Love is Like the Morning Sun” / Claudine Longet - “Small Talk” / Fats Domino - “I’m in the Mood for Love” / Billy Paul - “Me and Mrs. Jones” / Jim Noir - “Turn Your Frown Into a Smile” / Dick & DeeDee - “Love is a Once in a Lifetime Thing” / The Smiths - “Jeane” / The Wedding Present - “Don’t Laugh” / Lara & the Trailers - “Sugar Town” / Ogden Edsl - “Kinko the Clown” / Larry Williams - “Too Much” / Shirley Horn - “If You Love Me” / Jandek - “Babe I Love You” / Mark Zadane - “One Minute from Love” / Ella Fitzgerald - “Do I Love You?” / Perry Como - “No Other Love” / Little Anthony & the Imperials - “I Miss You So” / Howard Roberts - “Girl Talk” / Dr. Ring Ding - “I’m in the Mood for Love” / James Moody - “Moody’s Mood for Love” / Roy Harper - “East of the Sun” / Daniel Johnston - “Wedding Ring Bells” / Madeleine Peyroux - “Dance Me to the End of Love” / Marty Jones - “The Next Time You See Me (I’ll Be Dead)” / The Stranglers - “Peaches” / The Misfits - “Angelfuck” / Liberace - “I’m in the Mood for Love” / Count Bass D - “Aural S(ect)s” / Little Anthony & the Imperials - “I Miss You So” / Henri Rene & His Orchestra - “Sleep Walk” / The Shaggs - “I Love” / Freda Payne - “Band of Gold” / Bedhed - “Bedside Table” / Telly Savalas - “Some Broken Hearts Never Mend” / Coil - “Tainted Love” / Salt ‘N’ Pepa - “I’ve Got AIDS” / Joe Tex -”Hang On to What You’ve Got” / Leslie Gore - “Sunshine, Lollipops and Rainbows” / David Rose & His Orchestra - “Stripper with Drum Roll Intro” / Mister Hopkinson’s Computer - “Falling” / Jimmy Durante - “As Time Goes By” / Frankie Paul - “In the Mood for Love (Moody’s Mood for Love)” / R. Kelly - “You Remind Me of Something” / John Frusciante - “Your Pussy is Glued to a Building on Fire” / The Dayglo Abortions - “Argh Fuck Kill” / Soft Cell - “Sex Dwarf” / Little Milton - “I Can’t Quit You, Baby” / Jodie Foster’s Army - “Sadistic Release” / Ernesto Pomareda - “Besame Mucho” / Johnny Johnson & the Bandwagon - “Breakin’ Down the Walls of Heartache” / Serge Gainsbourg & Jane Birkin - “Je T’aime… Moi Non Plus” / Moose - “Last Night I Fell Again” / Elmore James - “Goodbye, Baby” / Sex Museum - “You” / Cebola Mole - “Baby, I Love U” / 1000 Homo DJs - “Speed Racer (Hardcore Mix)” / Mae West - “I’m in the Mood for Love” / The Sugarcubes - “Fucking in Rhythm and Sorrow” / Drop Nineteens - “Winona” / George Jones - “If Drinkin’ Don’t Kill Me, Her Memory Will” / Spike Jones’ New Band - “I’m in the Mood for Love” / Edith Piaf - “La Goualante du Pauvre Jean” / Sunday & the Menn - “You Cheated” / Lords of Acid - “Show Me Your Pussy” / The Others - “Penis Between Us” / Leonard Cohen - “Hey, That’s No Way to Say Goodbye” / Enoch Light - “I’m in the Mood for Love” / The Pastels - “Nothing to Be Done” / Bob Relf - “Girl, You’re My Kind of Wonderful” / Lou Rawls - “You’ll Never Find Another Love Like Mine” / Fairfax High School Marimba Band - “Besame Mucho” / Souls of Mischief - “Step to My Girl” / Jacques Brel - “Jacky” / Charlie Parker - “I’m in the Mood for Love” / Screamin’ Jay Hawkins - “I Put a Spell on You” / Charlie Robinson - “Life of the Party” / The Sweet Marquees - “I Love My Baby” / The Fifth Dimension - “Wedding Bell Blues” / Broken Social Scene - “Love and Mathematics” / Claudine Longet - “Nothing to Lose” / Too Short - “All My Bitches are Gone” / Glenn Miller Orchestra & the Andrews Sisters - “Hold Tight (I Want Some Seafood Mama)” / Patsy Cline - “So Wrong” / Alma Cogan - “I’m in the Mood for Love” / Bunny Fuzzy - “Midnight Cherry Pop” / Sonic Mine - “Everybody Fuck Now” / Terence Blanchard - “I’m in the Mood for Love” / Antonio Carlos Jobim - “Lamento” / Cannonball Adderly - “Manha de Carnaval” / The Crooner - “Whatever Happened to Claudine Longet?” / Tito Puente - “Moody’s Mood for Love” / Rose Murphy - “Is I in Love I Is (Alternate Take)” / Louis Prima & Keely Smith - “I’m in the Mood for Love“