Sorry for the wait, folks. I haven’t been feeling quite myself lately. Toxins in the brain, I suppose. Possibly some exposure to radiation, as well. I’m a bundle of nerves—it must be the fact that for years I have been searching in vain for the most irritating and unlistenable celebrity record. They’re all so painful, there’s really no sense in attempting to lock down any kind of list. But then again, lists are so fundamental to our way of thinking. Without lists, would the RIAA file any lawsuits? Without lists, would there be any social networking websites? Would telemarketers ever stop calling you? And would there be any such thing as grocery shopping? I’ve had it with lists, and yet they’re everywhere. I’m on quite a few people’s lists, and I can attest with some certainty that they don’t intend to overnight me any cookie packages. So, once again, numbered for absolutely no reason: Top 5 Awful Records by Famous and Semi-Famous People Who Most Likely Had No Idea That They Should’ve Known Better, Part 1.

1. Chris “Corky” Burke - “Eating is Fun, Eating is Serious”

  Joe and John DeMasi have recorded a few albums with Chris Burke, better known as Corky from Life Goes On. I haven’t figured out whether the maniacs to either side of Corky are identical twin brothers, pedophilic homosexual parasites, or both. Not that I care, really. Corky’s innocence vanished along with any hope for work after Touched by an Angel. And besides, anyone who would let these creeps produce their record deserves whatever they get, handicaps notwithstanding. This song is pretty damned amazing, though. Unless you actually listen to it, in which case it always turns out to be pretty Goddamned horrific.

2. Jennifer Love Hewitt - “Rock the Roll”

  Forget for a moment that you know who Jennifer Love Hewitt is. Now, listen to this song and ask yourself: “is this song really so bad?” Now, slap yourself around a little bit and answer the question. You’re right… it’s a terrible song. Her version of “Me and Bobby McGee” is arguably much worse, but I can’t imagine the sheer wretchedness of the parts of this song that were edited out. My girlfriend wanted me to post this, and I’m afraid that I have no choice. Not because she asked me to; in spite of my better judgment, I am forcing myself. This is simply one of the worst songs I have ever heard, and posting it here may hasten the end of time significantly. From her acclaimed release Barenaked, which, much to my surprise, isn’t her first and final God-awful record, Hewitt’s ditty includes perhaps the all-time worst tacked-on rap lyric in the history of music. Behold, one of many recent experiments in terror.

3. Hulk Hogan & the Wrestling Boot Band - “Hulkster in Heaven”

  Even hapless dimwit Hulk Hogan must’ve known that this song was in poor taste. It’s a tearjerker about a terminal kid who has passed on into the next life. Curiously, the liner notes refer to this song as a “poignant ballad.” Nothing could be further from the truth. Best known as the Village People stand-in who gets his ass kicked by Mr. T in Rocky III, the Hulkster has recently become the star of his very own reality show. He apparently enjoys whining nonstop about his son’s utter lack of interest in Hulkamania. Maybe his family would give a shit about him if he wasn’t the fucking Hulkster all the time. He’s basically the same person he was fifteen years ago, but infinitely more desperate. The terrible synthesized saxophone doesn’t even hold a candle to the line: “I used to tear my shirt, but now you tore my heart.” When did he ever stop  tearing his shirt? And how many times can a person remind the world that there’s one less “Hulkamaniac” scampering about? One can only hope that he will be reunited with this kid very soon.

4. Macho Man Randy Savage - “Be a Man”

  Randy Savage has the right idea. Fuck trying to be poignant; just write songs about how much of an effeminate weakling Hulk Hogan is. I must admit, the Macho Man is and has always been excruciatingly cool. Whatever you think of his Slim Jim endorsements, there is very little doubt that he would make an outstanding presidential candidate. Just listen to how effortlessly he tears Hogan a new one, and tell me you wouldn’t like to hear him do the same to any of Bush’s entourage, the sniveling featherweights. Compared to “Hulkster in Heaven,” this song is “A Day in the Life.” Compared to “A Day in the Life,” however, it barely approaches Richard Harris’ version of “MacArthur Park.” I’d put a thousand bucks on Savage in a no-holds-barred match with that pussy Hogan. But of course the Hulkster would never agree to that. He’s far too busy paying tribute to some fictitious dead kid. Can’t wait for Savage’s first State of the Union Address, though. Oh yeah!

5. Bill Cosby - “Sunny”

  Aw, sheesh. This cover of “Sunny” is truly unforgivable. Appearing right alongside an equally appalling “Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band” on the record Hooray for the Salvation Army Band!, this steaming puddle of uselessness is right up there with decaffeinated coffee and scented toilet paper. And what is it with the Cos, anyway? Just who in the Hell does he think he is, constantly telling other comedians to clean up their acts?! He can do whatever he wants, but if he aspires to be some kind of moral authority, he needs to stop drugging and molesting women. Except for maybe his wife. Do you hear me, Bill? What’s a little pottymouthed humor compared to your unsolicited fondlings? What a besweatered loser you’ve become. Suck on a Pudding Pop, old man. Go finance Leonard Part 7. Or a prequel to Ghost Dad. I just don’t care anymore. And neither does anyone else.