As some of you know, users of lame-ass Internet forums often subscribe to a uniquely repellent form of idiocy similar to that of nationalism. You know—that belief that makes the most hideous of your own government’s atrocities seem inexplicably superior to even the greatest deeds of all other nations put together? That is to say, the opposite of “rationalism.” Anyway, a few weeks back I decided to have some fun with mash-up forum Get Your Bootleg On. You know—that magical land of South Park avatars, oh-so-cutting-edge post-Genesis Phil Collins remix competitions, innumerably unimaginative “jokes” about Notorious BIG acapellas, a teeming surplus of general impropriety and uninspired “blends,” and shoddy 133+5p33k that more closely resembles the utter incoherence of an online summer camp for teenage victims of brain-sucking Insectoids than any sort of earnest discussion about art, music, or DJ culture? Well, like I was saying, those crazy kids went and banned me! Here’s a little parting gift for you, guys. I dedicate this post to those champions of GYBO and its undying legacy of keeping the decomposing corpse of bootleg culture alive, sans significance. God knows that you could all use a little something other than hundreds of millions of instances of the word “innit” in your desperate and meaningless lives. Top 5 Awful Records by Famous and Semi-Famous People Who Most Likely Had Every Reason to Believe That They Had No Idea That They Should’ve Known Better, Part 1.

1. Leonard Nimoy - “Both Sides Now”

  I’m not sure if Judy Collins ever heard this version of the Joni Mitchell song that made her famous, but if she did I’m sure it was no worse than hearing her own version. I hate songs that are like, “I’m so depressed, but I’m learning to live with it.” Give me a fucking break and kill yourself. This tragic rendition by the apparently homicidal Mr. Spock is dedicated to the ubiquitarily AWOL and preoccupied Mayor Grant McSleazy. You know—GYBO’s reluctant Grand Poobah? Like Grant, our dear Leonard has a tendency, musically speaking and elseways, to bite off more than he can chew. Grant listed as a reason for banning me that I hadn’t held up to my promise of leaving on my own. Someone really needs to carefully explain to him the inanity of such reasoning. And what is it about DJs and their seemingly endless obsession with giving themselves stupid nicknames, anyway? Unless you’re Jazzy Jeff, Q-Bert, Count Bass D, MF Doom, or one of any number of talented craftsmen, producers, and turntablists, nothing could make any less sense than drawing attention to your unmistakably clueless unoriginality. I mean: I don’t expect that many of them would know anything about the pertinence of the Olduvai gorge, but c’mon.

2. David Hasselhoff - “Pingu Dance”

  There’s really no good explanation for it, but David Hasselhoff is still quite famous in many parts of Europe, especially Germany. His debut album Night Rocker should’ve effectively laid to rest his career as a “singer,” but, in spite of widespread misconception, when it comes to picking great pop songs, many Europeans are frequently even less discriminating than their stupidest American counterparts. If you haven’t yet seen the wonderful claymation series that inspired this song, you really don’t know what you’re missing. Penguins and seals communicating in some kind of alien glossolalia, often with dark themes and equally uncomfortable and perilous scenarios. Click here to partake; you won’t be disappointed. This classic song goes out to the stubbly he-beast calling itself Eve Massacre. You know—the morbidly obese GYBO moderator who can be seen sticking his tongue out or sneering in virtually every picture taken of him? Eve, between you and me, my gay friends still think that your gay friends sound like total fags, and furthermore we all agree that you’re doubtlessly the ugliest male fag-hag we’ve ever seen. No joke. Have a great life, you Nazi puke. Also, is it just me, or has everyone else noticed that an awful lot of the most unattractive fat girls sneer a little too much? Like the Good Book says, “Fuck ‘em if they can’t take a joke.” Of course, I’m not joking.

3. Pat Boone - “Speedy Gonzales”

  Since we’re on the subject of intolerance, let’s pay tribute to a song that even Pat Boone doesn’t want anyone to pay tribute to. I don’t suspect that Speedy Gonzales is a racist cartoon character. He seems to be rather friendly with a good number of Mexican rodents, you know. But good ol’ Pat Boone, like so many do-gooder Christians, is an unashamed bigot and self-serving hypocrite. He penned self-help books for teens such as Twixt Twelve and Twenty, which promises to transform you, the male reader, into an uncompromising patriarch and altogether insufferable sonofabitch. Still, it takes a good amount of faith in God… and not just any god, but the one and only Lard and Savior of the uber-conservative Church of Christ. Pat has since converted to Pentecostal, I guess. He has publicly lamented that his equally idiotic daughter Debby once “experimented with vegetarianism” and that her room looked like a “head-shop,” yet he decided in 1997 to release a wretched collection of heavy metal covers entitled In a Metal Mood: No More Mr. Nice Guy. That’s a full six years after Kurt Cobain singlehandedly murdered heavy metal, for those keeping score at home. I’d say Pat’s the one taking too many drugs. This one’s dedicated to the GYBO urchin calling herself Keeno, who is as ineffective and undistinguished as Speedy Gonzales is lightning-fast and keen on cheese.

4. Annette Funicello - “It’s Really Love”

  Many of you will recognize this as the theme song from The Tonight Show. It was written by Paul Anka, and, like “Suicide is Painless,” it is better known in its instrumental form thanks to the often unendurable horrors of syndication and network television. And at least in this case, that seems not to have been such a terrible idea. I present this gift in honor of Kitty Glitter. You know—resident GYBO urchin cheerleader and m3g4 u1+r4 5up3r14m3r 3x+r40rd1n41r3. Funicello wasn’t the only Mousketeer who American boys dreamed of playing hide-the-hamster with in the 1950s, but she was one of ‘em. But then the decade of perpetual abstinence ended, she grew up, and unfortunately for all of civilized society she refused to stop making unwanted appearances everywhere. I won’t bother to write a proper biography, as I would be compelled to mention Frankie Avalon, but I will say that every time I hear this song I think of Linda Lavin at her ultra-hammiest. I swear to God, Annette Funicello is the female Wayne Newton. And I’m the male John Wayne. And Kitty Glitter is a more troubled sort of Mousketeer. Look out, World.

5. Ted Knight - “Hi Guys”

  All right. Who in the fuck told Ted Knight to make a record? From his LP by the same name, this priceless gem is my olive branch to Linus, GYBO’s newly instated Cocksucker Emeritus. First, Linus became enraged that I would compare him to Shirley MacLaine or Agnes Moorehead. “They were both quite beautiful in their youth!” shrieked he, huffily. Yes, I know how ambrosial Shirley MacLaine was (the jury’s out on Endora), but there is little doubt that neither one aged well. Still, I expected such deliberate dissembling to be lost on Linus. He’s just about the finger-snappingest, most vainly inattentive homo I know. You know—Homo erecti. He also called me “homophobic” just because I asked if he was gay, but then spent the better part of the same reply letting everyone know how absolutely heterosexual he is. Oddly enough, I was the only one to notice. The crybaby n00b even had the nerve to complain that I poke fun at David Mamet. Listen up, jackass… if an award-winning dramatist can’t spell, I’ma make some Goddamned fun of him. One of us is a homophobe, Linus, but I’m sure as Hell not afraid of you, even if you do “work in the film industry.” Fucking Olivia de Havilland wannabe. Judy Garland vomit fetishist. Go quote the new Pet Shop Boys record some more. Happy slurping, Monroe, and best of luck on the casting couch.

  Okay, so everybody’s remixing this one and I thought I’d jump on in. Click here to download my quick and dirty mix of Lily Allen’s “Smile.” I’ll probably end up mashing it up with King Tubby and Scientist at some point, but this’ll have to do for now. Hope you enjoy it. If you haven’t heard of Lily Allen, you must be crazy. Or an American, but the two are practically synonymous nowadays. She said that Madonna is the most overrated performer she can think of, and she called Bob Geldof a cunt. That’s who she is. Pretty awesome, if you ask me. I’ve named this the “Bum Ran Off With My Chicken Mix” because it cost me exactly three pieces of chicken to make it. Don’t ask. Also, don’t leave chicken on your table when you go to the restroom. And don’t leave a bum within five feet of the chicken. Or Lily Allen. Or Tim Allen. Or me.