Okay, calm down—I haven’t forgotten about you. I had every intention of making with a full-blown Happy Days post, but after listening to Scott Baio’s record yesterday, I decided against it. The truth is: I can’t put you people through that.  You’re so  much better off, believe me.  Even the worst Donny Most record puts Chachi’s to shame, and that’s saying a whole Hell of a lot.  In case any of you have forgotten what Scott Baio sounds like, click here to listen to the worst song of his or anyone else’s career. Keep in mind as you’re being horrified that Erin Moran was sexually molested by a giant worm in Galaxy of Terror,  and then tell me: are Happy Days  records any less vile? I’ve reserved this space for people far more deserving of recognition than Scott Baio, who is slightly more bland than Barry Williams, if that’s even conceivable. Of course, Love, American Style  had more spinoffs than any show in TV history aside from The Archies,  so it’s no surprise that it would also have an enormous number of alumni trying their hands at tune-crooning unforgivability. Thank God Mr. C never caught the bug. Imagine a more nasally Dennis Franz on methaqualone. There are still a few Happy Days  moments here, but the bulk of it is just extreme awfulness. This will be my last celebrity post for awhile, so I’ll make it a good one. Top 10 Awful Records by Famous and Semi-Famous People Who Had Absolutely No Reason to Care Whether They Should or Should Not Have Known Better, Part 1.

1. Louis Farrakhan - “Zombie Jamboree”

  For a time in the 1950s, Louis Farrakhan was a calypso singer. He called himself “The Charmer,” a name which presumably has an origin similar to that of Jerry Lee Lewis’ self-styled “The KIller” nickname, which we understand means “Ladykiller,” because, you know, nothing kills with the ladies like making everybody refer to you by an idiotic name; perhaps something like LL Cool J’s abysmal “Ladies Love Cool James” nickname, or even crazy pinch-faced, squinty-eyed mushroom-head Claudia “Lady Bird” Johnson’s. In 1955, Elijah Muhammad demanded that all musicians in the Nation of Islam stop performing, and Farrakhan (then known as the very delicate Eugene Wolcott) subsequently turned down a lucrative offer from Pearl Bailey’s manager.  It was for the best, however.  His fake Caribbean accent is almost as racist as when he stated: “These false Jews promote the filth of Hollywood. It’s the wicked Jews, the false Jews that are promoting lesbianism, homosexuality. Zionists have manipulated Bush and the American government.”  How charming.  It’s the gay Zionists. They’re the ones wiretapping Americans and wiping their asses with the Constitution. Good thing we cleared that  one up.  Now we’ve just got to get rid of all the Jews.  Khalid Abdul Muhammad wouldn’t have it any other way.

2. Steven Seagal - “Talk to My Ass”

  Actors don’t come any more hamfisted than Steven Seagal, but he does have his own energy drink. What is there to say about this guy that hasn’t already been forgotten about? Akido black belt, environmentalist, animal rights activist, disgraced action star, straight-to-video wonder. You name it, and Seagal will probably claim to have done it at some point—undercover agent, Desmond Tutu’s bodyguard, oceanic photographer, Green Beret, award-winning plastic surgeon, exotic stencil designer, Shaolin monk, decorated limerick critic, script consultant. But what he won’t talk about on TV is the fact that he has the worst fashion sense of any guitarist in even the most flamboyant corners of Hollywood.  Jesus Christ, what on God’s green Earth is he wearing?  It’s like some kind of ancient Egyptian muumuu-looking thing with the sleeves ripped off. Click on that shit to get a closer look. But take my advice: only listen to this song if you are truly suicidal. Or if you have a high tolerance for overwrought “hyaw, hyaw” vocals, obligatory black backup singers, and ever-so-buttery whiteboy blues licks.

3. Anson Williams - “Deeply”

  Let me get this straight. Potsie was some kind of sex symbol?  I thought that the whole reason Scott Baio joined the cast of Happy Days was because all of the other male leads appeared to have some kind of contagious flesh-eating disease. The intro to this song almost makes you think it’s going to be bearable, and then Anson Williams starts to sing. It’s not that he’s a bad singer; he just had some terrible luck attempting to make pleasant sounds come out of his throat. Fortunately, Ron Howard never fancied himself a recording artist, but I wouldn’t have complained if he’d done a cover of “Rock Around the Clock” with Pat Morita. Anywho, here are a few Happy Days  extras courtesy of Otis Fodder. The Heyettes with “The Fonz Song,” another catchy number called “Impressionist Track” off the record Fonzie Favorites,  and Ray Conniff’s spectacular rendition of “Happy Days.”

4. Joe Pesci - “Wise Guy”

  I really hate people who think that Joe Pesci is some kind of great actor. All of his roles are identical, whether we’re talking about Once Upon a Time in America  or My Cousin Vinny.  He has no range whatsoever, but I’m still glad that he’s an actor. Let’s face it: no one plays the weaselly Italian runt better than Pesci. It’s in his blood. Long before his acting career, however, Pesci performed under the name Joseph Richie, cutting a record entitled Little Joe Sure Can Sing.  The record also features the musical talents of Frank Vincent, who later fell victim to Pesci in both Raging Bull and Goodfellas,  who starred as Phil Leotardo on The Sopranos,  and whose voice should be instantly familiar to Grand Theft Auto  fans as Salvatore Leone. I can’t share that record with you, I’m sorry to say, because this record is so much worse. It’s a dismal send-up of Blondie’s “Rapture” from his 1998 LP Vincent Laguardia Gambini Sings Just for You, and that’s all you really need to know. But also be aware that Pesci milks the Italian-American stereotype on every pitiful track. Not that we’d expect anything more. He probably doesn’t even realize that he’s been typecast all his life.

5. Buddy Ebsen - “Your Cheatin’ Heart”

  Buddy Ebsen had quite a career. Best known as Jed Clampett from The Beverly Hillbillies,  Ebsen’s name became synonymous with “lovable millionaire yokel” in spite of his Latvian-Danish heritage. Prior to his work on Hillbillies,  Ebsen was known for a vaudeville act he performed with his sister, Vilma. They went on to Broadway, where his erratic dancing caught the eye of Walt Disney, who employed Ebsen as a motion reference for the animators working on Mickey Mouse cartoons. Originally cast as the Scarecrow in The Wizard of Oz, he agreed to switch roles with Ray Bolger, who had initially landed the part of the Tin Man. This ultimately cost Ebsen his place in MGM history, after a severe reaction to the aluminum dust used in the makeup almost killed him. During his two week hospital stay, Jack Haley was given the role, and Ebsen would spend the next several years taking parts in lesser known westerns and returning to Broadway in the fittingly titled Yokel Boy.  He lost the role of TV’s Davy Crockett to Fess Parker, and ended up playing the forgettable George Russell instead. Ebsen’s touching performance as Holly Golightly’s estranged husband in Breakfast at Tiffany’s  proved to be his big break, though, and within a year he was known throughout the States as J.D. Clampett. The Beverly Hillbillies was panned by critics, but enjoyed tremendous ratings. CBS canceled the show in spite of this, allegedly because of advertisers’ reluctance to buy airtime. Today it is considered the most watched show of the 1960s, having garnered top ratings for the majority of its nine season run. Buddy would later star in Barnaby Jones, another successful role of seven years. He was also good friends with Ronald Reagan. Ebsen died in 2003 at the age of 95, five years after his final performance, a voice role on King of the Hill.  Oh, and click here to listen to a song by Ebsen, Irene Ryan, and Max Baer, Jr.

6. Penny Marshall & Cindy Williams - “More from Our Yearbook”

 Laverne and Shirley—like Mork and Mindy—was one of the more popular Happy Days  spinoffs. And like Joe Pesci, the show was desperately reliant on its hackneyed stereotypes. Laverne de Fazio was the trash-talking Italian-American tomboy, and Shirley Feeney her equally dimwitted foil. And the supporting characters were just as predictable. Lenny Kosnowski, 89th in line to the Polish Throne, and Andrew Squigman, their annoying horndog neighbors. And who could forget Carmine “The Big Ragu” Ragusa, another walking stereotype and Feeney’s main squeeze? This number is arguably the most accessible track on Laverne and Shirley Sing. It’s hard to imagine that many kids rushed out to buy this record in 1976, especially after one listens to the horrendous covers of “All I Have to Do is Dream,” “Da Do Ron Ron,” and “Chapel of Love.” But the ’70s were a magical time when any television star could reasonably expect to be forced into making a shit record. And it seems like hardly anyone put up much of a fight.

7. Muhammad Ali - “Stand by Me”

  Cassius Clay, better known as Muhammad Ali, is the single greatest prizefighter in the history of boxing. Some moronic people like to dispute that fact, but rest assured that Ali can still knock the living shit out of those imbecilic naysayers. This guy did everything. He made fun of his opponents, fought tooth decay, and made a guest appearance on Diff’rent Strokes. He floated, stung, and objected to Christian war. He married four times, divorced a few times, and fathered a slew of kids, some as the result of affairs. And he did it all with class. Incidentally, his singing isn’t so terrible, particularly for a guy who abused people for a living and denounced miscegenation. In fact, it’s really pretty good, as are most of Ali’s recordings. Don’t believe me? Have a listen: “The Gang’s All Here” and “I am the Double Greatest.” Then read The Devil and Sonny Liston.  Then click here to watch him beat the shit out of Sonny Liston. And then laugh out loud.

8. Corey Feldman - “Former Child Actor”

  Corey Fucking Feldman. At least Corey Haim still has some dignity. Corey Feldman’s like the tranny hooker who won’t overdose on painkillers. Listen, Feldman—you’re a grown fuckwit now. It’s time you learned to stop reminding people that you exist. You know, I do feel sorry for you. No one will ever forget that you used to dress like Michael Jackson with that stupid pinstripe suit and matching hat. No one will forgive you for it, either. Nobody cares that you starred in Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter  with Crispin Glover. It doesn’t buy you any credibility. Likewise, nobody gives a damn that you’re buddies with Ron Jeremy. Nobody remembers that you were on Eight is Enough  or The Love Boat,  and they wouldn’t care even if they did. Believe me when I tell you: nobody—and I mean NOBODY—recalls that you starred alongside Corey Haim in a movie called Busted  where the two of you showered together with a bunch of nasty, saggy-breasted Playmates. Oh, and they don’t remember that you directed that piece of shit, either. Or that it was straight-to-video. Or that it looks like it was shot on a PXL-2000. Well, that’s it, I guess. You’re in my thoughts and prayers.

9. Michael McKean & David Lander - “Creature Without a Head”

  Lenny and Squiggy were the Larry Dallas and Ralph Furley of Laverne and Shirley.  A lot of people like to give this record a pass, mainly because it features Christopher Guest on guitar and Murphy Dunne of Blues Brothers  fame on keys, but the truth is: 99% of the jokes on Lenny and the Squigtones  are funnier and more daring than anything on ’70s television. Take the intro to this song, for instance. The fact that they were able to get away with casual talk of murdering the Cunningham family is pretty astounding. The music’s somewhat interesting at times, but the lyrics are what really carry this record. Instead of churning out the expected horseplay, these two actually seem to be having a good time making as little sense as possible. And rather than resign themselves to the inherent unfunniness of these characters, they find ways to make their roles more unsettling. For the most part, it works. At one point in the record, an audience member is referred to as a “son of a bitch.” There’s a vaguely anti-authoritarian discussion about religion. And just when you least expect it, the love theme from a horror movie materializes. Still, it’s Lenny and Squiggy, so it’s bound to make you cringe every so often.

10. Rick Moranis - “I Ain’t Goin’ Nowhere”

  You know, I really want to hate Rick Moranis for all the crap movies he’s been in, but he strikes me as the kind of person I’d get along with in real life. This track is from his second album, The Agoraphobic Cowboy,  which was nominated for the 2006 Grammy for best comedy album. As many of you know, I’m not big on comedic country music, but there’s something about Moranis’ delivery that helps allay my uncertainty. This song, however, is not one of my favorites. It’s a parody of Geoff Mack’s excellent “I’ve Been Everywhere,” and does very little to expand on the original. After all, if you’re going to satirize a country song, shouldn’t you pick a number that’s not already been aped to death?  Well, I don’t want to be too hard on Rick. This version is better than most, but it seems a little too easy. Then again, this is a guy who starred in all three Honey, I So-and-Soed the Something-or-Other  flicks. Yep, even the third one—straight-to-video. Now, if he’d get off his ass and make a sequel to Strange Brew, I might be inclined to nominate Moranis for exculpation. Or even if he just remade The Exorcist,  Conan the Barbarian,  or Flash Gordon.  As long as Max von Sydow’s in it, I really don’t care.

11. Chris Knight & Maureen McCormick - “Tell Me Who You Love”

  Here’s another extra. A bonus, if you like. An extremely shitty bonus. Good Sweet Lord, the innumerable freakish terrors of Chris Knight’s teeth. Horseteeth, I call him.  Yep.  Ol’ Knight with Shining Horseteeth. Enlarge this image and take a long gander at Chris. Go ahead, it’s special. The first time I saw this picture, a decade or more ago, it made me scream like a little girl.  My eyes launched as twin rubbery cartoon flesh-torpedoes from my skull and my whole face began convulsing until it fell numb. One of my eyes started winking uncontrollably as my ears and nose began tingling. My entire head fell off. Possibly even suffered a mild stroke. Why would someone do this to us?   It’s almost as horrifying as teh dread Goatse. There was simply no reason for these two to have made such a record. None at all. What could possibly be gained? Was it constructed by the Devil himself for any purpose apart from torture? Anything at all? God, oh Good Lord God Saint Jesus, NO. Of course  it wasn’t.  It was their nefarious plan all along to kill us. They tricked us, the bastards. We’ll get ‘em back, don’t you worry. Utter effing horseshit; the decade of Swinging Loserdom. It’s astounding that any of us even made it out alive. Hey, and if you’re really  masochistic, here’s “Spread a Little Love Around,” unquestionably the #1 worst song by TV siblings.  I wish there was some kind of magical Zippo that could set time on fire. Or at least singe it a little.

12. Bea Arthur - “What Can You Get a Nudist for Her Birthday?”

  Yet another agonizing extra. Bernice Frankel, known professionally as Beatrice Arthur, was one of the first women to serve in the U.S. Marine Corps. This song is from Bea Arthur on Broadway: Just Between Friends.  but by no means was this Bea Arthur’s first stage appearance. Before starring in Maude  and The Golden Girls,  Bea appeared as Yente the Matchmaker in the 1964 Broadway premiere of Fiddler on the Roof,  and ten years prior she played Lucy Brown in the Off-Broadway premiere of Threepenny Opera.  She won a Tony for her performance opposite Angela Lansbury in Mame,  a role she would later reprise in the film adaptation opposite Lucille Ball.  It is said that while she was working on The Golden Girls,  Bea Arthur couldn’t stand Betty White.  Not altogether surprising, but apparently the two have since patched things up. Anyway, I’m not sure where the somewhat disturbing connection between Bea Arthur and nudity originated, but here is a song by Mikey Mason entitled “I Want to See Bea Arthur Nude.” Oh yes, and if you really care to see what Bea Arthur might look like naked, click here to view a portrait by noted American painter John Currin. Not safe for work, or possibly anywhere else.